Results from an autopsy performed on television Pitchman Billy Mays have stoked rumors of a secret life of crime, it now being widely alleged that Mays was Capas to Los Zetas, a violent Mexican drug cartel responsible for smuggling millions of dollars of un-cut cocaine across the Arizona border concealed in pallets of Oxi Clean.

Two days before Mays death on June 28th, Mexican authorities uncovered a macabre hotel scene in Caborca; eleven dead, the only survivor a low-level goon related to rival Sinaloa cartel, his genitalia adhered to his belly with a dollop of Might Putty and a hole drilled through each of his feet, likely perpetrated by the Awesome Auger found bloodied at the scene.  Almost in a trance, he rocked back and forth repeating, "Por favor, Senor, ten piedad de Billy ... Sr. Billy, por favor dejar de gritar!"

Three hours later the bodies of five Juarez cartel members were dumped in a Puerto Penasco street with Orange Glow bottles duct taped over their mouths, causing their drowning.  The bodies had their arms and legs dismembered by a tool found nearby labeled Crocodile Cutter.  Two blocks away a local police officer was hanged from a Herculese Hook in front of the police station.

The following day Mays was interviewed at the Playboy Mansion by Pat Jordan.  Later that afternoon at a mixer event an altercation broke out between Mays and rival Shamwow pitchman Vince Offer where Mays allegedly placed Offer's finger in a Quick Chop over a dispute between similar product Slap Chop that Offer had been running commercials promoting.

Miss February Jessica Burciaga reports hearing Mays' voice echoing through the grotto at 2AM.  Upon investigating the racket she found Mays and Offer alone and nude.  Offer was face down in a pile of blow while Mays barked a loud, one-sided conversation toward his competitor.  There were empty containers of Oxi Clean floating in the pool.

Twitter users were updated of a turbulent Los Angeles to Tampa flight the morning of June 28th when Mays 'tweeted' that luggage had fallen from the over-head compartment onto his head, but assured his fans that he was alright, his head being quite hard and his Fone Free Clip still operational.  The following morning he was found dead in his Tampa home, a prototype of The Ding King resting on the bed stand.

Vince Offer and Anthony "Sully" Sullivan have declined comment for this article.

SLIDE SHOW of Billy Mays Funeral photos